the first 3 :: trimester 1

This image is the baby at what we had originally thought was 10 weeks - we have now been made to believe that it was taken at 8 weeks (2 months)...the image has been blown up at least 10X. (Her head is the big skull shaped thingie on the right side.) I remember how the image was so still, not even thinking that babies moved that early in this stage - and our doctor (Dr. Ibay) asked me to cough a couple times to see if we could wake the baby up. I complied and then after the second or third cough, little stubs that were her arms and legs started flailing around like crazy! She was mad and Coy and I were beyond happy and amazed!

The first 3 months or so for me were not the greatest as most people already know (since I was not shy about complaining about everything and anything...hehe).

Dry heaving and throwing up had become my past-times...not my favorites, mind you. I was nauseated throughout most days which was beyond fun - but I have heard worse stories, so I think I got off a little easier than some.

After all the gagging and losing weight due to me not being able to keep anything down, I walked away from the first trimester with a so-far healthy growing baby inside me and some not-so-random freewrites -- yes, I was suffereing THAT much - Lord knows I only write and produce "work" when I'm suffering...hehe Please feel free to read with the mindset that I was in pain and practically delirious - not really knowing what the hell I was thinking. So remember, they are title-less freewrites (other than the dates they were created) that probably make no sense. (The last freewrite however, was written in the beginning of my second trimester - a much much happier time.... ^_^ ) Enjoy!

051805
Eternity
Bubbly laughter
Magical winds that refresh my soul
Indecent thoughts of happily ever after
My cold bare feet step upon the green carpet that turns grassy, infested with lady bugs
They flitter and flutter around my naked toes
Anomalous patterns are made
I am confused
Inherently amused
Giggling to myself from the sensations
But none-the-less
Thoroughly trapped

051905
yield to gluttony
bulimia expected
anorexia sought after and sometimes a replacement
the acidic sensations crawl, scratching and screaming up my vulnerable throat
i welcome the release
i loathe it’s violence

enter into my white shrine of life waters
that bring solemnity

exit that which I would call pieces of my soul

051905
stream of thought consciousness
streaming through slitted eyelids
heavy from tiresome monotony
screaming for an opening
into a better reality
that doesn’t quite exist

fingers tap incessant babble
letters combine to form empty sentiments of sincerity
like the hallmark cards that always make things better
i frantically search for the words to make things better
but things ARE better – better than they’ve ever been
except that i feel weak with my insides coming out of me
my essence born again with the essence of my soul-mate within me
it/s/he grows and replenishes from within me
and i am wasted from the inside out…but within me,
i am happier for it
in the end

051905
the banging of irreverent gongs persist in my mind
they resonate my clouded, conflicting frustrations
solidified for the meantime in tin-flavored vomit

052305 (not in the mood)
the outward pressure defines me
the projectile vomiting confines me
i grin slightly at the thought of the whole ordeal
what the f**k will I have for my next meal
this is getting ridiculous
insanely contemptuous
but yet
i am enamored by thoughts of contentment
at a later date

052305
my patience is wilting
the heat is debilitating
my waist is expanding
and i am exhausted
i pray for time to pass just a little bit faster
i pray for my sanity to hold on just a little bit tighter
i pray for our baby to be healthy, lovely, and good

063005
renewed rejuvenation